


Trusting Again Can Be The Hardest Thing

by The_Mouse_of_Anon



Series: AquaFan Week (Devilfish Ahoy!) [4]
Category: Teen Titans (Comics), Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Aaaaaaalllll the Devilfish shippyness, AquaFan Week 2016, Day 4: First Times, La'gaan has low self-esteem, La'gaan's got it bad for Eddie, M/M, beginning relationship, past trauma, tw emotional abuse mention, tw subtle emotional abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 16:38:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9245132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Mouse_of_Anon/pseuds/The_Mouse_of_Anon
Summary: After M'gann, La'gaan had sworn off ever getting into a relationship again. Despite that, La'gaan was falling for Eddie and falling hard. And the idea of getting into a relationship with him... It was almost like the first time he stepped on land: exciting, dizzying, and downright terrifying.((Written for Day 4 of AquaFan Week 2016.))





	

**Author's Note:**

> This one timeline-wise takes place sometime after _Tattoos: A Conversation_ and ties in a little more closely to _I Tried To Warn You_ , so if you're curious about the emotional abuse mentioned in this fic I recommend _I Tried To Warn You_. That said, while this fic isn't anywhere near as potentially triggering as ITTWY, there is mention of emotional abuse, discrimination, and La'gaan's low self-esteem, so be forewarned.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the very blatant Devilfish. n.n

The first time La’gaan had been on the surface he hadn’t quite known what to expect. Sure there had been various ‘air districts’ scattered throughout Atlantis, primarily in the more well-off cities and typically intended for the rare few who (through a fluke of genetics) were incapable of breathing water, but the air districts were about as similar to the surface as a jellyfish was to a squid— not very.

He could remember the difference in weight, the difference in pressure… It was an odd sensation, one that was every bit as bizarre now as it had been then; although it was no longer quite so distracting. But that first time… that first time he’d felt heavier, and yet at the same time felt far less pressure than he’d ever been used to. It had felt like, if he had made the mistake of tripping, he would have fallen up into the sky with no way to stop himself. It had been dizzying, terrifying even, but at the same time there had been an overwhelming excitement at finally being able to see what the surface world was like in person.

That was before all of his ideals came crashing down; and it was before he realized the surface was just as full of bigotry, inequality, and any other social problem he could think of, as Atlantis. But the memory of that excitement mixed with fear, joy, and wonder… it was a memory he couldn’t let go of. From the heady feel of the ocean breeze flying by him to the warmth of the sunbaked sand that had been under his feet and the odd sound of the waves crashing against the shore, he hadn’t felt a moment that made him so breathlessly and incoherently happy since. Well, aside from now.

He honestly hadn’t thought he would ever feel anything like that again. Even when M’gann had agreed to go out with him, he hadn’t felt like that. Then again his entire relationship with her had been a disaster from the start, and one he hadn’t been able to recognize as a disaster until after it was over. The way she’d had him wrapped around her finger, dependent on her happiness and feeling ready to break if she showed even the slightest hint of displeasure, had left him with nightmares once he began to process what she had done to him. Oh, the way she had emotionally manipulated and abused La’gaan was in many ways far less severe than what she’d done to Conner (the fact that she had never tried to go into his mind to make him ‘forget’ a disagreement was one that he was beyond grateful for), but it didn’t change the way she’d played on his insecurities. Even thinking about the number of times she had twisted around his worries and concerns so their conversations ended in _him_ comforting _her_ was enough to make him want to punch a wall.

After M’gann he had sworn off the idea of getting into a relationship with someone again. La’gaan had lost so many people, had been betrayed so many people, and had seen some of the worst people the world had to offer, that M’gann’s abuse had felt like the last straw. Sure, he had no problem with staying on the team and trying to make the world a better place in the best way he knew how, but the idea of letting anyone close like that again had been too dangerous to contemplate. 

He hadn’t recognized M’gann’s abuse for what it was while he was in the thick of it. He hadn’t paid attention to the way she’d used his insecurities about his appearance against him; how she had encouraged his sense that he should be grateful that she wanted to be with him through subtle words and tones. He had ignored how wrong his sense was that he didn’t deserve her and that her happiness mattered more than he did. He hadn’t even let himself notice the way she’d used the years of enduring whispers, slurs, and outright attacks from purists that had worn him down. La’gaan had a habit of not examining his sense of self-worth, mainly because thinking about it too deeply tended to leave him feeling worthless and depressed. M’gann had exploited that weakness thoroughly. True, she had never manipulated him into doing anything that would have involved him hurting anyone else directly, but encouraging him to ignore the more questionable things she did in the name of ‘doing good’ was inexcusable. But he’d fallen for it.

He knew, abuse was abuse and all too often those who were abused didn’t realize it was abuse while it was happening— but that didn’t change the fact that on some level he felt like it was his fault. And the fact that the abuse had never been physical… it had been a blind spot, something he blamed himself for not being aware of. Even though La’gaan _knew_ that M’gann’s actions weren’t his fault and that he shouldn’t be blaming himself, he’d felt disgusted and weak. Yes, M’gann had realized where she was in the wrong and had broken it off, but by then the damage had been done. He had felt that he couldn’t trust himself if he ever let anyone that close again.

He hadn’t expected to ever feel the same way he’d felt when he stepped onto land for the first time, and he especially hadn’t expected to feel that way in response to someone else. And the fact that he did feel that breathless terror and joy honestly scared him. He didn’t trust himself to not ignore the worst in anyone he might ever be attracted to, but this… this felt different.

When Kid Devil had first joined the team he’d been so insufferably nice that it had made every last warning bell La’gaan had scream alarm. There had been the fact that there was something about him that made others relax, something that encouraged trust even as he dodged and avoided giving full details of the truth of his past; there had been the fact that because the entire Bat-family vouched for him no one had questioned it. There was his tightly controlled temper, the way he never let himself explode in anger even when he had every right to. There had been the fact that he was always quick to laugh or playfully tease, even when he was deliberately steering a conversation away from specific subjects. 

There had also been the fact that for every last bit of hostility La’gaan had directed his way, Eddie somehow understood _exactly_ how far La’gaan would go in his antagonism and hadn’t taken him seriously. Oh, Eddie had given La’gaan every last ounce of respect he deserved, but he’d simply refused to be intimidated by him or interpret his snarly attitude as anything he needed to be concerned about. Somehow— La’gaan didn’t know how— Eddie had just _known_ that La’gaan would only attack him if the fire-wielder gave him a real reason to, and since Eddie had never intended to be that sort of threat he had known he’d had nothing to worry about. What had baffled La’gaan most at the time was that Eddie appreciated La’gaan’s ‘If you’re a backstabbing bottom-sucker I’ll wreck you, and if you’re not we’re good’ attitude.

He hadn’t expected Eddie to keep seeking him out. (Or perhaps it was more accurate to say that Eddie had inflicted himself on La’gaan.)

Whatever the reason, the more time Eddie had spent around La’gaan, the more La’gaan had gotten to understand the surfacer. No, Eddie wasn’t completely open about his past, but he was honest in how he felt and in his concern for others. He was honest in the fact that he actually _liked_ La’gaan’s company, regardless of how growly the atlantean was. That Eddie had considered his friendship with La’gaan important enough to decide to learn the language (at least that was La’gaan’s understanding of it despite Eddie’s insistence that he’d thought it was a good idea as soon as he’d found out there were atlanteans on the team) had just left La’gaan stunned. Someone choosing to learn a language for a romantic partner was one thing, but for someone who was a recently made friend? That sort of consideration was foreign to anything La’gaan had ever experienced.

What was more, Eddie understood La’gaan’s sense of humor. He just _got_ it; no explanation needed. Some days it felt like Eddie had made it his own personal mission to get La’gaan to laugh, or question the sanity of all surfacers, whichever came first. Eddie had exposed La’gaan to a _flood_ of movie knowledge that would never have even occurred to him to wonder about; almost every movie that La’gaan had watched with him had some anecdote or hilarious incident that occurred in connection to it that Eddie delighted in telling him about at length. 

Eddie had also never been put off by La’gaan’s looks. In fact, there had been times where Eddie had deliberately dragged him out to lunch in public— a move that La’gaan would have been far too nervous to do on his own— and managed to keep them from being bothered by winning over just about everyone they ran into with that bright smile, quick wit, and unwavering kindness. (It had actually gotten to the point where they were regulars at one family-owned restaurant on the sly.) And when Eddie had found out about the purists, about the scars they’d left on La’gaan and the discrimination he and so many others had dealt with, he had never dismissed it; he had never doubted one word of La’gaan’s frustrated ranting, never told him to ‘calm down,’ never tried to _excuse_ it. No, instead he had gotten the angriest La’gaan had ever seen him, _on La’gaan’s behalf_. He’d actually looked like he’d wanted to set someone on fire. La’gaan hadn’t know what to do with that.

And once Eddie had known that La’gaan had no real objections to physical contact, he hadn’t shied away from touching him. Eddie thought nothing of casually slinging an arm around La’gaan’s shoulders, or sitting next to him and poking him repetitively just to be obnoxious, or occasionally nudging him with an elbow, or jokingly laying his head on La’gaan’s shoulder as he gave another (of many) over-dramatic complaints in an attempt to get La’gaan to laugh. 

In fact, in the most ridiculous (and hilarious, though La’gaan still refused to admit out loud that he was the closest he’d gotten to dying of laughter in his life) instance Eddie had gone so far as to outright drape himself on La’gaan. La’gaan had jokingly threatened to shove him off, to which Eddie had given a spectacular wail (which had La’gaan dangerously close to wheezing from laughter) that had included some accusation that La’gaan didn’t care and would see him dying on the floor and wouldn’t do anything about it. Somehow that led to Eddie exposing La’gaan to a Saturday Night Live skit online that involved a song (the only lyrics of which he remembered were ‘mmm whatcha say’) and a lot of characters getting shot and dying in increasingly ridiculous ways. La’gaan hadn’t been able to hear those lyrics for at least a month without laughing. He still couldn’t remember how they’d gotten from Eddie’s ridiculous antics to watching that video online.

When La’gaan first started realizing that he found Eddie attractive, he tried to stuff it down and ignore it. To his mind it made no sense that Eddie would want anything to do with him in that regard— after all, why would Eddie be remotely attracted to him when sometimes he couldn’t stand looking at himself in a mirror? That aside, he had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t pursue a relationship with anyone after M’gann. And then Eddie, out of nowhere, had made it abundantly clear that he thought La’gaan was attractive.

La’gaan tried to dismiss it, ignore it— it was entirely possible to think someone was attractive and not want to be with them— but it kept happening. Eddie kept making comments— vague, but positive— and it had left La’gaan a flustered wreck. The comment that had topped it all was during one of their lunch outings. In response to La’gaan saying he wasn’t in a relationship, Eddie had said in a genuinely surprised tone, “I would have thought that you’d have loads of people practically throwing themselves at you.”

It was heady, dizzying even. When the conversation had eventually turned to the two of them deciding to take a chance on a relationship, La’gaan had surprised himself by agreeing. For the first time since M’gann, he had ignored the hurt from what he’d been through and the lack of trust he had for himself to take a risk that he’d felt was too dangerous to ever consider again.

Thinking about it, he felt like he couldn’t breathe or like he’d just float away with barely a thought. He felt terrified, certainly, but also excited, disbelieving, and overwhelmingly happy. Most of all, with Eddie he felt safe. He knew that he could trust Eddie to never hurt him willingly, physically _or_ emotionally, and he knew that Eddie would never treat him as if he was weak or fragile— something La’gaan could never have tolerated if he had.

La’gaan was well and truly happy… even if sometimes he thought Eddie had to be one of the most ridiculous people in the world.

The fact was, he wouldn’t have his Devilfish any other way.


End file.
